Permanent Marker
by Eliana Panthera
Summary: A love letter Ziva was never going to send could change her life forever. -Kiva-


**Pe****rmanent Marker**

_Dearest Caitlin, _

_There are so many things that I cannot say out loud. I want to tell you all of them, whisper them in your ear while I hold you close. But that can never happen no matter how much I want it. Your path with never tangle itself with mine in the way I want it to._

_I want you to know that I find every part of you beautiful. Your smile and your laugh are charming and can easily send my mind reeling and make my heart thump in my chest. The way your hair falls in your eyes and makes you look young and innocent is adorable. The way your hips sway when you walk is hypnotizing, and even the sound of your voice can pull me in and brighten my day. I know that you hate the freckles that dapple your cheeks in the summer, but I love each one of them. Your pretty hazel eyes are probably the most magnificent thing I've ever seen. Every part of you is amazing._

_On the rare occasions when you cry, I want to kiss you and wipe away your tears. When you smile, I cannot help but do the same. You brighten up the room, Kate. You brighten up my world. I cannot help but feel the way I do about you._

_As much as I hate admitting it, there are times when I will just sit and cry because it hurts so much to know that you will never be more than a friend to me. There are times when I wonder what would happen if I simply let myself lose control and kiss you. Maybe something good would come of it. Maybe you would hate me._

_Love is a strange emotion. It is hard to know when you are kidding yourself and when you actually feel it. I do believe that I feel it. But- even if you did feel the same way- it could not work. Our lives are too different. Sometimes, it seems as though we are two worlds apart._

_So, perhaps for the rest of my life, I will go on living and loving you and knowing that you do not feel the same way. Maybe one day things will be different. Perhaps then I will stop being a coward and act out on my feelings for you. Perhaps I will find someone else. _

_I love you more than anything else I have ever loved before. Anything you wanted me to do for you, I would do. Even if it meant giving up my life. You mean that much to me._

_Most likely, you will never read this and I am just writing everything down to keep myself sane. But if you do stumble upon this letter, I mean everything I have written. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. _

_But if friendship is all I will ever have, then I will survive with just that. _

_Sincerely,_

_Ziva_

--- --- ---

Ziva stared at the paper in front of her, studying her own neat handwriting that danced across the page. Each word tore Ziva's heart out more and more as she read it and let its truthfulness sink in.

She was not sure why she had written the letter. It had just happened. Her hand started forming words and it did not stop until it was finished and her fingers ached from the effort. Paperwork would be hell tomorrow.

It would have been smarter to write the letter in Hebrew. No one would have been able to read it but her, then. But maybe Ziva wanted someone to read it, deep down. Maybe she wanted Kate to find it.

Capping the permanent marker that she was holding and putting it away, Ziva sighed softly. The words on the paper could never be erased. She could shred them, rip the letter to pieces, or even burn it. But they would always be ingrained in the page.

"Are you okay, Z?" Kate asked quietly from across the Bullpen, giving the Israeli a concerned look. They were the only ones left in the Bullpen; Ziva because she had stayed to finish the letter and Kate because there was paperwork to do and she did not want to have to work on hers later.

For a moment, Ziva debated saying no, shoving the letter in Kate's hand, and running for her life. The silver cross that symbolized Kate's faith--one of the countless things keeping them apart--mocked her. But Ziva shook her head, "I am just tired."

"Are you sure?" Kate probed, tilting her head to the side curiously. Her eyes sparkled with worry, and Ziva knew that the other woman was not buying her emotionless act. But Ziva did not want to see where being honest about her feelings would get her. She could not take rejection. So Ziva settled for simply nodding in response, not trusting her own voice. Kate frowned in disbelief, but did not say anything else. Taking one last look at the letter, Ziva swallowed thickly and tried not to break down and cry. Kate would think she had gone crazy or something. She folded the piece of paper neatly and shoved it under old files and doodles that she kept in one of her desk drawers. No one would ever find it there. No one would even bother to look for it, anyway. Even if someone did go looking for the letter, they would never find it in the rest of Ziva's junk.

"I will see you tomorrow," Ziva said as she pulled on her windbreaker and flashed Kate the most genuine smile that she could muster. Kate smiled in return, and it was obvious that she was forcing the expression as well.

Nodding faintly, Kate replied with, "See you later, Z." It hurt to hear her use the nickname so casually, and Ziva walked out of the Bullpen as quickly as she possibly could without breaking into a full-out run.

She simply wanted to get home and erase the letter written in permanent marker from her memory. But just like the words on the paper, the thoughts would never completely disappear.

--- --- ---

Kate waited a few minutes, making sure that Ziva really had gone. She didn't want the other woman to come back and find Kate snooping in her desk. That could be fatal.

When she was absolutely positive Ziva was gone, Kate stood up from her desk chair and walked over to the Israeli woman's desk. Ziva had shoved a piece of paper into one of her drawers before she left. Kate had noted the way she had tried to be subtle about it and not be seen. But Kate was a trained investigator. She noticed things, especially when those things had to do with Ziva.

Ziva had been acting oddly whenever she was around Kate. It was bothering her beyond belief, and Ziva hiding a piece of_ paper_ was too weird. Kate was going to figure out what the hell was wrong--even if it killed her.

Carefully opening the desk drawer, Kate started flipping through its contents. There were files, written in Hebrew on top. Kate wondered what they were of, but she couldn't read Hebrew and she didn't want to try to find some half-reliable online translator to see what they said. Instead she sat down as she set them aside and studied the pages of doodles and sketches. None of them seemed to be anything that needed hiding.

Kate frowned, wondering if she was wrong and Ziva didn't have anything to hide. That was when she saw the letter. She wouldn't have known it was a letter if it weren't for the words 'Dear Caitlin' that were written larger than everything else. It was as if Ziva wanted her to find the paper and read it.

Frowning, Kate picked up the letter. She swallowed thickly after she reached the third paragraph and debated shoving the paper back in Ziva's desk and pretending she had never seen it. But Kate forced herself to keep reading.

When she finished, the letter slipped from her fingers and landed on the floor beside her left leg. Kate was pretty sure that she had gone extremely pale, and she noticed her hands shaking. Ziva loved her. She _loved _her.

Terror, confusion, and something else that Kate couldn't place wrapped around her heart like a vice. She understood now. Kate knew why Ziva had been acting so oddly around her.

Shoving Ziva's things back into her desk, Kate closed the drawer and picked up the letter gently. She read it again, and realization hit her like a freight train. Kate knew what the something else she was feeling was. She knew exactly what she had to do.

Kate was only halfway herself when she did something that would probably decide the rest of her life. At least while Ziva David was a part of it.

Her handwriting was sloppy thanks to the shock that was still making Kate's brain fuzzy, But Ziva would still recognize it as hers. It had that certain slant and roundness of the letters that no one else could perfectly mimic.

Without thinking, Kate folded up the piece of paper, set it on Ziva's desk and grabbed the letter. She shoved the paper in her pocket, feeling the odd urge to keep it with her. Pulling on her jacket, Kate swallowed again and tried not to faint from the feelings that were making her senses whirl.

Kate steadied herself on her desk, trying to regain her composure. She took a deep breath, willing calmness to come back to her. A moment later, she was thinking clearly again and most of the surprise had faded.

Ziva loved her. Kate couldn't stop thinking about it.

She glanced at the piece of paper that she had placed on Ziva's desk. It took all of her willpower not to grab it and destroy it. Kate felt sick, and if she was making a mistake. It was too late to fix things now, though. Kate was too stubborn to get rid of the note she had written Ziva.

There was no way that she was going to be getting any sleep tonight.

--- --- ---

Ziva stared at the note in her hands. The words on the paper made her heart soar and rocks drop in her stomach at the same time.

She had never known that words could do so much to her. But currently she felt lightheaded and nauseous, but blissfully happy at the same time. It could be some sort of twisted, cruel joke. It could be the truth.

The paper in Ziva's hands could change her life forever. Words scrawled in permanent marker stared back at her every time she looked at the letter.

Looking up, Ziva studied the only other occupant of the Bullpen. It was still early, and no one else would be in for at least fifteen or twenty minutes. Ziva had time to react if she wanted to. She had time to panic or faint from happiness- or maybe even both.

Instead, she walked across the Bullpen and placed her hands on Kate's desk. Leaning forward, Ziva slid the note across the surface of the desktop and tapped the words lightly with her finger, "You wrote this."

"Yeah...I did," Kate replied quietly, not meeting Ziva's eyes. Something flashed in her hazel orbs. Fear? Hopefulness? It disappeared too quickly for Ziva to place it.

Watching the muscles in Kate's throat twitch as the other woman swallowed thickly, Ziva pursed her lips and asked seriously, "Did you mean it? Or is this some sort of joke meant to hurt me?"

Kate didn't respond for a moment, and Ziva chewed her lip to keep from crying. Maybe it was a joke after all. But Kate was not that low, was she? Not even Tony was low enough to rip someone's heart out and stomp on it.

"I meant it," Kate whispered, meeting Ziva's eyes. There was so much truthfulness there that Ziva felt her legs turn to mush, "I meant it with all of my heart. I just didn't realize what I felt for you was until I read your letter."

Ziva felt like she was going to cry, and only years of training kept her from sobbing right in the middle of the Bullpen. Instead, she pulled Kate into a tight hug, burying her face in the other woman's neck and taking in the scent of her shampoo.

Kate hugged Ziva in return, so tightly that it hurt. Ziva did not care about that. She was too happy to care.

"A date? Should we start with that?" Kate asked softly, then continued without waiting for Ziva to respond, "People start with dates. How about we have dinner at that nice Italian restaurant down the street from here."

Smiling, Ziva tried not to laugh at Kate's need to be organized, "A date sounds nice. Is Friday night good?"

"I'll call you about it," Kate decided, beaming. She backed away from Ziva as the elevator dinged and Ziva shoved the note Kate had given her back into her pocket. It was amazing how three words could totally turn someone's life around in a matter of seconds.

Ziva kept smiling as she sat down at her desk and pulled the note from her pocket once more. It was written in permanent marker. It would never disappear. Maybe what it had caused would be the same way.

Three words really could change everything.

'_I love you_.'

**Finally! It's finished!**

**It's finished and I'm pretty happy with it's fluffy/angstyness.**

**I want to thank my epic friend (who refuses to let me give her username because it's 'name rape') for betaing.**

**Reviews make my world go round, seriously.**


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